I prefer T.E. Lawrence to D.H. Lawrence.

I prefer Samuel Beckett to Thomas Becket.

I prefer Joe Hill to Capitol Hill.

I prefer Galileo to Galilee.

I prefer Christy Mathewson to Chris Christie.

I prefer Otis Nixon to Richard Nixon (I also prefer Otis Nixon to Trot Nixon.)

I prefer Louis Armstrong to Lance Armstrong.

I prefer Joe Morgan to J.P. Morgan.

In music, I prefer Joe Jackson to Jack Johnson; in sports, I prefer Jack Johnson in Paris and Joe Jackson in the Hall of Fame.

I prefer Warren G to Warren G. Harding.

I prefer my father to Our Father.

I prefer Thurman Munson to Strom Thurmond.

The Gap Band and The S.O.S. Band: like two halves of a world, no preference can obtain.

I prefer Allen Ginsberg to Alan Greenspan.

I’ll take Alexander Pope over any pope.

I prefer Jim Morrison to Toni Morrison.

I prefer Van Morrison to Toni Morrison.

I prefer étouffée to “Et tu, Brute?”

I prefer Jeff Beck to Beck.

I prefer Rube Goldberg to Whoopie Goldberg.

I prefer Franco Columbu to Christopher Columbus.

I prefer Hall & Oates to Joyce Carol Oates.

I prefer Warren Oates to Joyce Carol Oates.

Hell, I prefer Quaker Oats to Joyce Carol Oates.

I think the world would be diminished without either E.B. Sledge or E.B. White.

I prefer Miles Davis to Jefferson Davis.

I prefer Flann O’Brien to Flannery O’Connor.

I prefer either John Paul Jones to Jean-Paul Sartre.

I prefer George Harrison to John Harrison, but only by a few degrees.

I prefer Phil Collins to Michael Collins.

I prefer The Band to The Bund.

I prefer Michael Palin to Sarah Palin.

I prefer Bruce Lee to Robert E. Lee.

I prefer Sesame Street to Wall Street.

I prefer Boy George to Lloyd-George, Disraeli Gears to Benjamin Disraeli, Joshua Chamberlain to Neville Chamberlain, Winston Smith to Winston Churchill, and bamboo shoots driven under my fingernails to Margaret Thatcher.

I prefer Jimmy Stewart to J.E.B. Stuart.

I prefer B.B. King to Bebe Rebozo.

I prefer Rita Coolidge to Calvin Coolidge.

I prefer Jonas Salk to Joan of Arc.

I prefer David Bowie to Jim Bowie.

I prefer Grover Cleveland Alexander to Grover Cleveland.

I also prefer Grover to Grover Cleveland.

I prefer Bessie Smith to Kate Smith, Ethel Waters to Ethel Merman.

I prefer Peter, Paul and Mary to Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

I prefer Ronald McDonald to Ronald Reagan.

I prefer Don Cornelius to Cornelius Vanderbilt.

I prefer Wheels of Fire to Wheel of Fortune.

I prefer Châteauneuf-du-Pape to the Vatican.

I prefer The Grateful Dead to The Walking Dead.

I prefer Jonathan Swift to Taylor Swift.

I prefer Joe Montana to Hannah Montana.

I prefer Breaking Away to Breaking Bad.

I prefer Edward Kennedy Ellington to Edward Kennedy or any other Kennedy, living or, as they mostly wind up, dead.

I prefer Eamonn Coghlan to Eamon de Valera.

I prefer Michael Mann to Thomas Mann.

I prefer Ladies of the Canyon to Lady Gaga.

I prefer Joseph Welch to Jack Welch.

I prefer Jimmy Buffett to Warren Buffett.

I prefer Chuck Yeager–a true hero and a stud–to Charles Lindbergh–an absolute scumbag and a weasel.

I prefer Waylon Jennings to William Jennings Bryan.

I prefer Michael Jackson to Stonewall Jackson, Reggie Jackson to Andrew Jackson.

I prefer Wilson Pickett to George Pickett, “Mustang Sally” to Pickett’s Charge, and “Funky Broadway” to Cemetery Ridge.

I prefer Ann and Nancy Wilson to Owen and Luke Wilson.

I prefer Levon Helm to Leona Helmsley (but I prefer even Leona Helmsley to Jesse Helms.)

I prefer Pretty Boy Floyd to Pink Floyd, but I prefer Pink Floyd to Pink.

I prefer Martha Washington to Martha Stewart.

I prefer Charles Bronson to Richard Branson.

I prefer Eric Blair to Tony Blair.

I prefer Van Halen to Van Hagar.

I prefer Groucho Marx to Karl Marx; I’ve got nothing against Karl–and he has the best epitaph of anyone–but Groucho was a heck of a lot funnier.

I prefer Linda Ronstadt to Karl Gerd von Rundstedt.

I’ll take Louis Pasteur over all the kings of France.

I prefer Tim Buckley to William F. Buckley, Jr.

I prefer Dr. J to Mr. T.

I prefer Carol Burnett to A.J. Burnett.

I prefer Alec Guinness to Guinness.

I prefer The Godfather Part II to The Godfather . . . at least half the time.

I prefer Warren Spahn to war in Spain.

I prefer the Steel Curtain to the Iron Curtain.

I prefer Eddie Murphy to Audie Murphy, but Audie could drink from my canteen any day of the week.

I prefer Peter Parker to Robert Parker.

I prefer Elrond to L. Ron Hubbard.

I prefer Pinot Noir to Pinochet.

I prefer Billie Holiday to Billy Sunday.

I prefer Orson Welles to oil wells, John Coltrane to long coal trains, and Stephanie Mills to steel mills.

I prefer “Solsbury Hill” to Salisbury steak.

I would prefer to rule in hell than serve in heaven, but since neither of those places exist I try to treat others as I would have them treat me.

I prefer Chaka Khan to Genghis Khan.

I prefer Ron Santo to Monsanto.

I prefer Jenny Linsky to Meyer Lansky.

I prefer Sade to the Marquis de Sade.

I do not know which to prefer, Jackson Browne or James Brown, the brightness of yin or the luster of yang.

I prefer tapas bars to topless bars.

I prefer Chuck Berry to beriberi, “Tutti Frutti” to “Louie Louie,” Bora Bora to Tora Bora, and Walla Walla to Valhalla.

I prefer Little Richard to Lionel Richie.

I prefer ELO to ELP.

Relatedly, I prefer Stewart Copeland to Aaron Copland.

I prefer John Garfield to James Garfield.

Mel Allen, Mel Blanc, Mel Brooks, Mel Gibson, Mel Stottlemyre–I never met a “Mel” I didn’t prefer.

I prefer Caroll O’Connor to Cardinal O’Connor.

I prefer Harrison Ford to Henry Ford, John Ford to Gerald Ford.

Wilbert, Jackie, Brooks, and Frank–here’s to you Messrs. Robinson!

I prefer Bullitt to ballet.

I prefer the Culinary Institute of America to the Central Intelligence Agency.

I prefer Born to Run to Born in the U.S.A.; Greetings from Asbury Park, N.J. to Nebraska; and Darkness on the Edge of Town to Lucky Town.

I prefer J.R.R. Tolkien to J.K. Rowling like I prefer Chateau Latour to Blue Nun.

I prefer Nick Lowe to Rob Lowe.

I prefer Finn McCool to Mickey Finn.

I prefer the African Queen to the Titanic, the Beagle to the Bismarck, the Calypso to the Santa Maria, the Rainbow Warrior to the Lusitania, the Moshulu to the Maine, a Yellow Submarine to the Red October, and the Second Avenue El to the Yamato.

I prefer Al Capone in Alcatraz.

I prefer Some Girls to All the Pretty Horses.

I prefer Off the Wall to The Wall.

I prefer Jaco Pastorius to Oscar Pistorius.

I prefer magnets to magnates, rubber bands to robber barons, cocoons to tycoons, and moguls on mountains to moguls in mansions.

I prefer the Immaculate Reception to the Immaculate Conception.

I prefer empiricism to imperialism.

I prefer Hermes to Ares, Freddy Mercury to Bruno Mars.

I perfer Joe LeMay to Curtis LeMay.

I prefer Sonny Rollins to Henry Rollins.

I prefer “Bud” Harrelson to “Bud” Selig.

I prefer serial commas to serial killers.

I prefer The Wind in the Willows to Gone With the Wind.

I prefer luncheons to truncheons.

I prefer the mistakes of great minds to the triumphs of little ones.

I prefer Morris Day to Doris Day.

I prefer “Let it Be” to “Let it Go.”

I prefer the National League to the American League.

I prefer the Boston Marathon to the Kentucky Derby.

I prefer Dr. John to Mr. Ed.

I prefer Rocky Balboa to Vasco Núñez de Balboa.

I prefer appetizers to apps, dumb waiters to smartphones, Looney Tunes to iTunes, Hi-Fi to Wifi, Help! to Yelp, and birdsong to Twitter.

I prefer Siddhartha to Sid Vicious.

I prefer Syrah to qué será, será.

I prefer Kobe beef to Kobe Bryant.

I prefer James Stewart to James Stuart.

I prefer Buffalo Springfield to Rick Springfield.

I prefer going “all out” to going “all in.”

I prefer Lenny Bruce to Leni Riefenstahl.

I prefer “East St. Louis Toodle-Oo” to East St. Louis.

I prefer the Red Hot Peppers to the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I prefer frontal nudity to frontal lobotomy.

I prefer Sunset Boulevard to Sunrise Highway.

I prefer Bilbo Baggins to Malcolm Muggeridge.

I prefer Oahu to Yahoo!

With all due respect to a fine scholar, I prefer Lionel trains to Lionel Trilling.

I prefer Hideki Matsui to Hideki Tojo.

I’ll take bay leaf over Beirut.

I prefer terroir to terror.

I prefer Anne Hathaway to Berkshire Hathaway.

I prefer aesthetics to ascetics.

I prefer umpires to empires, folk ballads to national anthems, family photos to flags, wedding bands to armbands, my couch to Mein Kampf, and foie gras to the goose step.

I’ll take a New York strip over the Gaza Strip any day of the week.

I prefer Charlie’s Angels to Hells Angels.

I prefer Geddy Lee to J. Paul Getty.

I prefer extra innings to the two-minute warning.

I prefer a designated driver to the designated hitter; drunkards shouldn’t drive but pitchers should hit.

I prefer things to be to things to buy.

I prefer LL Cool J to L.L. Bean.

Carl Bernstein and Leonard Bernstein both belong on postage stamps.

I prefer David Bowie to Jim Bowie.

I prefer Yul Brynner to George Steinbrenner.

Like Bartleby, often I would prefer not to.

I prefer Abraham Lincoln to Abraham, Isaac Newton to Isaac.

Sometimes I need a dose of Frank Capra after a dose of Franz Kafka.

I prefer the “Hotel California” to the Hanoi Hilton.

I prefer David Cone to Roy Cohn.

I prefer James Stephens to Alexander Stephens, The Crock of Gold written by the former to the crock of shit argued by the latter.

I prefer “Imagine” to emojis.

On the Road gets all the press, but I much prefer The Dharma Bums.

I prefer Champagne to real pain.

And you?