NED BOBKOFF contends with
                                                       Thespis
                                                       Actor

The interview was done at the Acropolis Café, where I found the reknowned performer sipping a Latte under an umbrella during a downpour. Looking in all the world like Mel Brooks.  

Boy, it was hard finding you.  I just about asked everyone connected with theatre in Athens where you hung out. But no one had seen you for two and a half milleniums. If I hadn't looked at your statue, I never would have known what you look like.  

I prefer annoynmity.  

Mind if I sit down?

Sure, why not? I got nothing to hide.  

That's a terrific white beard you're sporting.  

Six feet long. It gets me the respect I deserve.   

What have you been doing all these years?

Enjoying my retirement. If such a thing is possible.  

You, retired? I don't believe it. From what I heard you racked up over 300 performances on the hillside during the golden age of Greek drama.  

325 performances, to be exact. I also did a lot of house to house demos. But nobody counts that any more. They get me mixed up with that old marble mouth, Demosthenes. Or that so-called orator, Pericles. A frustrated ham if there ever was one. Full of rhetoric. He'd talk your head off while angling to keep his position center stage. Never had a story worth listening to. Makes me sick just to think about it. An absolute menace, if there ever was one.  

You were the first actor.  Why did you decide to step out on your own? What technique did you use?  

Technique? What are you talking about? I was standing there, like everyone else in the chorus, chanting. Doing my job. I got sick and tired of repeating the same old lines from Homer over and over again.  So I stepped out - on my own. The only problem was I didn't have a tuxedo.     

You spoke out? Just like that, on the spot, without a cue?

Why not? I needed a break.  

How did the chorus react?  

 Dumbfounded. Stopped them dead in their tracks. I'm a great improviser. Give me a word, any word, and watch what I can do.  

You improvised? In the middle of a tragedy?

I invented tragedy. When I stepped out, I  turned everything around. You should have seen the tears running down the cheeks of the chorus. That was a tragedy - a real tragedy.   

How could you see the tears running down their cheeks? They wore masks.

They were drowning in tears, why shouldn't they take off their masks? I told them to kick off their elevated shoes too.   

The cothurni?

Look, they were developing corns on their feet. Why should they be miserable? Besides I had a reputation to protect. And I wanted to do more good than harm.

What did you say when you stepped out on your own?  

Get out of my way.  

Oh c'mon, you don't talk to a Greek chorus that way. It's insulting, an outrage.  

Look, I knew Homer's words backwards and forwards. I decided to say the words backwards. I had a big booming voice like Orson Welles. So there was no mistaken who was in command. Then I threw in a little Hebrew from right to left and let 'em have it. They never knew what hit them.  

And you got away with it?    

Our stage manager, Aeschylus, asked if he could write my words down.    

Aeschylus, a stage manager? I'm stunned.

He used to sit off to the side of the hill holding book. I figured, if he liked my words that much, why not let him write them down? If I had known he'd steal my lines, I would have copyrighted my words. Aeschylus was a hack.   

 A  hack! That's dangerously close to heresy.  

Heresy? I did him a favor. Without me, he would have made a fool out of himself. Look, I gotta go. I got a business to attend to. People to bring together.  

A business?  

I run an acting school. The Thespian School for Hi and Low Jinks. TSHLJ @ thespis. dot. com. Sign in. First lesson free. Fifty bucks for a DVD. Better than a government agency.   

Exactly what do you teach at your acting school?

Do Onto Others Exactly What They Have Done Onto You.

Sounds like you're a deconstructionist.   

Deconstructionist? What are you talking about? See that building across the street? The crumbling one?  

The Acropolis?

Yeah. That's deconstruction – brick by brick. Here. (Slapping drachmas down on the table) Buy yourself a bottle of wine. Dr. Frank's New York Semi-Dry. Terrific. Better than anything they got here or California. Adios. May the stabilizing force be with you!    

©2004 Ned Bobkoff
 

Ned Bobkoff is a writer, director and teacher 
and a contributing writer to Scene4.
His rmonthly column will return with the next issue...
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