ASPIRIN (poking at an art magazine): That's what I don't like about these guys…

TYLENOL: What?

ASPIRIN: Their always angling for the market.

TYLENOL: Angling for the market? What do you think Michelangelo did, huh?

ASPIRIN: Yeah, but he had patrons.

TYLENOL: That's right, that's my point.

ASPIRIN: That's not the same thing.

TYLENOL: Whadaya mean its not the same thing? The only difference between a patron and a gallery owner, is that Michelangelo's patrons were religious, and a gallery owner is commercial.

ASPIRIN: It's more than that. Much more.

TYLENOL: Whadaya mean more than that? A guy, even a talented guy like Michelangelo, had to please his patrons. That's the bottom line.

ASPIRIN: Oh, so that's all there is to it, right? There's a limit to my patience. Patrons in those days had taste. They knew art when they saw it.

TYLENOL: Oh you mean to tell me that all the patrons were alike? They couldn't wait to find the next genius, right? To hang up on a ceiling in a church, or on the walls in a private study? For god's sakes, man, wake up. It's all commercial, business as usual. Then and now.

ASPIRIN: These guys were princes of the church, savants, not just investors in a good thing.

TYLENOL And they were snobs too. Church or no church, they were snobs. Looking for a deal.

ASPIRIN: That's my point. You said it for me. Thank you.

TYLENOL: I don't get it.

ASPIRIN: Moola.

TYLENOL: Moola?

ASPIRIN: Yeah. (rubs fingers together) Its all part of the deal. You know something? If it isn't a deal you don't recognize it as art. Art isn't always a big deal, big shot, whether you have the money to buy it or not. Put that feather in your cap.

TYLENOL: Okay, you asked for it…

ASPIRIN: Here it is, the usual two bit diatribe, the lesson on economics.You raise your voice, I raise mine, and all hell breaks loose. Like clockwork. Well I'm not playing that game. Not anymore.

TYLENOL: Oh oh, now were coming down to the truth. If you can't get your way, if you can't have the purity in art that you're looking for, than everything else is shit.

ASPIRIN: I didn't say that…

TYLENOL: You implied it.

ASPIRIN: I don't believe that everything else is shit. I just believe that most of the shit produced today is shit. Go down to the local big time big shot gallery and take a look at what's going on. Their all repeating themselves. Looking for the latest so-called avant garde entre into the big time.

TYLENOL: A lot of what you think is shit, is vibrant. You just don't know how to look at it.

ASPIRIN: Now that was a mouthful.

TYLENOL Believe it or not, some people have a vision bigger than yours, okay? Wait a second, I got another thought coming. Whether it be a shape or a form or a concept about a shape or a form or concept, whatever, if there's life in it, there's energy. Communication. You can see the guy, or the gal for that matter, has a vision.

ASPIRIN: Yeah, the big dollar bill…

TYLENOL I just realized something. It just struck me.

ASPIRIN: What, what? What did you realize, huh? Something about my behavior that reveals the true me? I'm getting out of here.

TYLENOL: Where are you going?

ASPIRIN: Down to the local gallery. To piss…(beat)

TYLENOL: Know something? I think you're constipated.

ASPIRIN: Constipated, huh?

TYLENOL: : All this stuff about shit, now piss. You're terribly scatological. It's a weakness of yours. 

ASPIRIN: Scatological? You must have looked up that word in the dictionary.

TYLENOL: I did. 'Cause that's where it belongs – on you. There is something about your attitude that drives me nuts.

ASPIRIN: I think this friendship is on its last legs. (rises) Here.

TYLENOL What's that?

ASPIRIN: Take it with you.

TYLENOL: That?

ASPIRIN: Yes, that!

TYLENOL: I don't get it.

ASPIRIN: It's a piece of folk art. I bought in Mexico, take it with you.

TYLENOL: Why are you giving it to me? It's a nice piece.

ASPIRIN: Why am I giving it to you?

TYLENOL: Yeah, yeah…

ASPIRIN: It's a memento.

TYLENOL A memento? Don't just give it away like that? It's worth something.

ASPIRIN: It's worth something? Did you hear what you said? That's my point! Get it, get it? (Beat)

TYLENOL: Well it is a nice piece.

ASPIRIN: Keep it. It's on me.

TYLENOL: I know you love folk art. It's your forte. But let me tell you something. A forte is not the same thing as the real thing. But thank you. It was well meant.

ASPIRIN: I just gave you a present and you say its not the real thing. That takes a lot of nerve.

TYLENOL I tell you it's not the real thing. It's a reproduction of the real thing. It was bought in Tijuana, shipped from Ensenda, and made on a production line in Oaxaca. A sweat shop. I know these places like I know the back of my hand. The only thing good about them is that they make money.

ASPIRIN: So there is no such thing as the real thing after all.

TYLENOL: What?

ASPIRIN: That ring on your finger.

TYLENOL: What about it? My ex-wife gave it to me.

ASPIRIN: Let me look at it.

TYLENOL: I'm not gonna let you look at it.

ASPIRIN: I think you're afraid of something.

TYLENOL Here, look at it. If it gets your rocks off, look at it.

ASPIRIN: It's fake.

TYLENOL Fake? Are you telling me that this beautiful piece of turquoise is fake?

(ASPIRIN grabs his finger) What are you doing? Just what the hell do you think you're doing!

ASPIRIN: I want to show you something.

TYLENOL: Ouch! You're tearing off my finger, godammit! Stop it, it hurts!

ASPIRIN: (pulls ring off): Like I said, it's a fake. Look. 

TYLENOL: That's the last straw! I'm gonna pull the teeth right out of your mouth!

ASPIRIN: Here. C'mon, I dare you. Look. The truth shall set you free. The ring won't hurt anymore.

TYLENOL: I can't read it, its in Spanish.

ASPIRIN: It says here – and this is a rough translation – that it was made in Juarez. Do you know what kind of place that is? Its across the border from El Paso. Nothing but gyp joints, strip joints, cheap labor factories. That's where they make this shit. And they make a helluva profit on it. (bangs ring on table) But I must admit, it does have a certain ring to it. Like the real thing. But its not.

TYLENOL: Don't fuck with my private belongings, okay? I bought it from an Indian jeweler in Arizona. They have laws and regulations about selling turquoise. Its real. Trust me. 

ASPIRIN: You bought it from an Indian jeweler in Arizona, who bought it from a guy in Mexacali, who put it from another guy from God knows where.

TYLENOL: There's nothing on the back of my ring to tell you that. Maybe its on the back of your memento, but its not on the back of my ring.

ASPIRIN: I know. It's all up here. Experience.

(He gives Tylenol his ring back. Tylenol tosses back Aspirin's memento. )

I'm leaving. This time for real.

TYLENOL: Go. See if I care. It's impossible talking to you. Now there will be a lot of breathing space.

ASPIRIN: Adios.

TYLENOL: Adios.

(ASPIRIN steps outside. Looks around. No where to go. Pulls a gold tooth out of his mouth, examines it. Simultaneously TYLENOL looks over the memento. Examines it, taps it, places it to his ear. Sighs. Rises, looks around. Steps outside. Takes a deep breath. )

ASPIRIN: I hear you.

TYLENOL: I thought maybe you did. (beat)

TOGETHER: Mickey Mouse.

(sing)

M I C K E Y M O U S E !

(They split.)

END